Letting Go!

 
The title is a lot simpler to write, but the process of letting go is painful, leaves me feeling defeated. its almost 4months and i am only finding my way now, when he had decides that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship, i thought he was angry and upset and he would come around, i stepped back and gave him time to be alone, three months later he HUGE stab, reality faced me, i saw him with another women my heart stopped for a sec, right there i knew he had moved on he told me to my face that they are just friends, funny the very morning when i saw him i asked God to give me a sign for me to move on and be at peace, But I'm still shocked at how God works, i know i asked and i received it was the hardest thing Ive ever had to come to terms with.

look i am not sure what to call it and what it did to me, but no pain killer in the world could help me, no amount of talking and telling me about God made it easy, i still play that day in my head, i saw red, felt like i was being provoked i have never fought for anything in my life Ive never laid hands on anyone in my life until the day when i saw the Love of my life walk away with another women. i don't know but the devil had a field day with me, i went crazy, i hit i bit i pushed i shouted and the pain still remained with me, it walk with me ever since, after the pain it turned into guilt and total shame, of how i acted. i needed someone to tell me about a drug to numb this pain, Suddenly, you can no longer cry the tears at night, Naturally, we get frustrated.  The frustration displays differently for everyone. As the days went by i still collected more shame and pain grew in my heart. found it almost hard to breath.

break ups are hard, the last time i felt this way was when i broke up with the father of my child, i had made a promise to myself that i would never allow a man to take me and break me, here i was again on the very same road of pain, confusion, betrayal, anger, bitterness, guilt, shattered dreams, frustration, disappointment resentment and deceit.

In that process i had to remember that all this pain and emotions had to come out, it was the clearest moment in my life even if i didn't see it at first, but those moments are meant to teach us what it is we hold back, these emotions are messengers that show us with terrifying clarity exactly where we are stuck

Survive Again 

I carried you with me everywhere i went, the memories came as though i was still happily in a relationship with you, it felt good at times to sit and remember the simple things we used to share, the way you used to call me Nana and how it warmed my heart i couldn't burn all those feelings away every time i tried it felt like i was killing the most precious gift of life

Then i realized that taking you everywhere with me was only hurting me and taking me 10 steps back, i needed to find a way to stop hanging on to the memories. infect i wanted to find a way to avoid feeling and hoping for something to be worked out between us,i wanted to hate you so that it was easier, but  instead i loved you even more, call me crazy!

But since then i had to set myself a goal to forget you, i just didn't know how, so i focused on the situation, because hate couldn't be directed to you i then directed my hate to the situation, I hated who it made me become. Weaker than I could ever imagine, more wounded than I knew possible. i want so much never to the person i am not i want to learn from it and move forward. but now how do i move forward, because  I exhale and breathe my regret on everyone I encounter. I pretend to not notice I’m scaring them away. I call the walls around my heart security.

Regardless of what the world thinks I’m not bitter. I’m safe. its like they can smell the venerability in me, Men lining up wanting to know me better i am not ready i tell them but they don't understand,there is so much pain inside of me 

I spoke to myself a lot then i came to an understanding that I carry you with me so I never have to taste the saltiness of those tears again. I never realized that I wasn’t really taking you anywhere, I was actually letting you hold me back. The walls I built to keep the pain away kept me from producing purpose. If I ever wanted to become better I would have to risk becoming bitter.

 I’d have to be willing to meet a new teacher and receive a new lesson. The lesson may come through struggle, but after the struggle comes strength. Every person in my life carries with them a lesson that will teach me  more about myself . Your resiliency will be tested, but don’t let it make you rigid. Those who want to grow understand the necessity and discomfort that comes with being stretched. Hell i am stretched even the emotion i am feeling typing this makes me wonder if ill ever be able to move on. everything feels so real.

Disasters happen in our lives so we can able discover the real person, Each disaster that threatened me  ripped me apart, but look it  didn’t succeed it only  stretched me . If you’re focused on the strain the pain brought, know that you’re ignoring the lesson that came with it too.

He sent me a text after he dropped off my clothing saying thank you for an educational two years, i promise you when i read it that day i felt nothing, but resentment, anger!

few weeks later i am calling you my teacher, you stretched my love. Thank you. Now I have more to give than before. You stretched my strength. I’m grateful. Today I’m stronger than before. You stretched my will now I’m more determined than I was.
You stretched me, but you didn’t tear me. I’m better because of this aching.
It felt like you were trying to break me, but you showed me that I’m capable of enduring. I want to take you with me. I want to carry you with me everywhere I go, but I can’t take you and grow. I’ll take my lessons and undeniable growth and head to the next level. I’m leaving you, my teacher, because I want to develop more than I want to remain safe.
And if I have to taste the salt of tears again, I’ll cry knowing that when the stream slows and finishes its dance from my eyes and down my cheeks, I survived once, and with God’s grace I’ll survive again.