To the old, new and the future🎊🎉🎆💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

Dear old

I know your still trying to show up like your something new, you confuse me you pyralise me to believe that your far from being old.

Look off all people I know how difficult it is to let go of the old, especially when you believed it so much, thinking that it would all work out. Watching a dream play out in a way you never planned. All areas of my life I've had to watch my dreams play out differently.


 I know what it’s like to watch a dream play in your head that you no longer believe will exist in your life.  I recognize the fear that comes with the unknown. Redefining your tomorrow to fit your reality is never easy. How else can you start the journey of becoming whole unless you’re honest that pieces of you are missing? Can you identify what the pieces are and when life chipped them away? Do you know when you lost you?  I know you want the purpose without the process, but right now you cannot have what you want and become the person God needs.

I'm still stuck I'm trying to figure out what in the world I need to Do or understand until my dreams play out the way I have them in my head.

 there is a process for everything and right now your time has not come. It’s hard to not become discouraged when you see everyone moving around you, yet you’re still trying to find your way.

 You cannot force change, you can only inspire it and you can’t inspire any one who won’t let you in.I am so numb somtimes I  forget what it's  like to feel. I forgot to live. I forgot how much confidence comes when you can inspire yourself. It's hard to keep together at times people keep telling you about Gods grace how it will show up, feeling like maybe I am praising a different God. When does it all stop? Heart break disappointment fear.

 I think it’s time to let go of what you can’t control and accept the things within your power to change. If you can’t fix it it’s because God wanted you to trust Him and if you truly trust Him show Him by letting go.  You’re so set on things going your way that you don’t realize you can get to the same destination you just have to take a different route. If you let life’s detours cancel your destination then you didn’t dream big enough. Whatever lies ahead of you must be worth the process you’ll have to go through or quitting will always be easy. You can’t give up on something God has for you. Be patient. Be comfortable with things being in His control.

Endure they say.. But when does one get breaking point! Somehow the detours of life can leave one broken. Question do u know your master? Do u know what he can do for you. This is what I've learned he will put in a cage full of lions and he will turn his back and let you battle. He will give u the honor to either fight till you are no more and he would have taught u that u cannot win every battle you have to let the opponent win. Lesson there is choose your battles and know who deserves all of you in a fight.

I finally see why the old was removed and I see the good in goodbye.

Dear new

You terrify me you paralyze me, you dry out my spit and leave me cold

 You scare me. I won’t get into how exciting you are because everyone can see that. I want you to know that I believe it’s my time and I’m coming for you. My hopes are set on bringing out the best of me every chance I get. I just want you to know I’m not sure the best of me will be enough. I have faith, I trust God, and I’m ready to fight… even though I've lost so many battles I am a warrior and I will rise again and give u yet again my best shot! As scary as this maybe to my body and mind I refuse to let the old distract me in getting dirty again and trying again.

Dear new I need you to I understand though that I am afraid. I am afraid of failure I am afraid of being critisized, I am Afraid of not being good enough.
I’m afraid that my heart will be questioned but bigger than all of that I’m afraid to be out of God’s will. I just didn’t realize that being in His will may mean that I have to face the other fears head on.  So here I am looking at something so promising sog here I am looking at something so promising and it’s guarded by every fear I tried to avoid.

I just need to explain the cracks in my voice and the tremble in my hands, I want you to be full aware that I am coming, coming at you at a speed I've never traveled in before, I know some wine say the odds are against me and I wear my emotions on my sleeves.
 but I have the greatest force of all with me. God has trusted me with this mission for reasons I can’t explain so every one-I encounter must see a glimpse of Him in me. I have no room for fear or doubt in my life, yet they’re still here. Each day I pursue my purpose I give my fear an eviction notice. It may never fully go away, but at least it knows it’s not welcomed and it won’t stop me from living. My fear is my audience and I can’t wait to put on this show.

I'm in search of my something beautiful and I am confident that I will find it. I will do everything in my power to get it.

I will strive even in my fear!


Dear forever

 From the moment our eyes locked I knew that God trusted you to keep me focused. There are some people you know are only in your life for a season and others you know were a gift from God to help see you through. You are my forever.  And while I know this is the time of the year when many reassess the relationships in their lives I want you to know your role cannot be questioned. During my most scorching pain your love has been my favorite breeze. Even when I wanted to face things alone to spare you from my shame, you found a way in. You make me a better me and I could never let that go. There are many uncertainties in life, but you are not one. I can count on you. I haven’t even trusted you with every part of me, but I have no doubt I could. That’s why I’ll never let you go.

 Life is too unpredictable to have a team you can’t depend on. You always show up, suited, and ready to tackle whatever obstacle lies ahead of me. And because I value you I don’t abuse my access to your strength. I’m so glad God gave me you right when I needed you the most. Your heartbeat is my favorite reminder that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and it only makes me want to love Him more for you. My heart’s favorite lullaby I’m not sure I’d want to be much of anything if I couldn’t share it with you.

 have to let go of a few old things to hold you.  I willl finally turned my back on my past so I can really see you. And now that I see why God blessed the world with you, I promise to protect the good in you with all that’s good within me.  I won’t allow my love to be filtered with bitterness. I won’t force my tomorrow to live in my past. I offer my love for you to God and trust that He will use it to past our your fears. And because I feel better when I’m around you I want to thank you for letting God filter your love for me.

 Thank you for protecting my innocence with your wisdom and being gentle with my fears. Thank you for being careful with my heart.

Never letting u go.

My Vow and Commitment to Myself

I Letlotlo Genemary Maloma Vow to trust and to be open to life and what it throws at me. i vow to protect myself from things i can be in control off, to break down the walls of imprisonment, and allow myself to build walls of protection, this is my pledge to say yes to life :)

I pledge to love myself, love myself enough to say No to things that upset me things that do me no Good, to love and forgive myself from time to time all the days of my life. I vow to soar high on wings like eagles, i will walk and not be faint, so that i can free myself from regrets.

I vow to Let the word of Christ to dwell in me richly for peace and wholeness of Gods grace and love to forever reside inside of me, that i may adopt Gods everlasting love.
I Vow to have close relationships with my Creator.    

I vow to accept my needs,wants, dreams, desires and my daily thoughts which at times cripple me or create the awesomeness in me.

I vow to Reconcile my relationship with my body, to remember that my body is my temple and that it is the only source that i need to be alive on this earth, so that i may pursue what it is that I'm created for. I vow to love and nurture my body, to befriend, honour and respect it and to listen to its wisdom all the days of my life.

I vow to fully trust myself, without second guessing my potential, to value my personal truth personal space and personal growth. that i may understand that only i can recognise my full Armour. i pledge to understand and recognise my life experiences, what Ive gone through and how i came out. so that it may be a personal reminder of how great and powerful my God is and how he can take one out of any trying situation and turn it into a blessing.   

I vow to remain loyal to myself all the days of my life; to never choose the love, acceptance or approval of anthers over my own. I promise to never abandon or demote my relationship with myself for any other role, because i am the sole holder of my emotional state. i will strive to keep it intact and to listen to every painful emotion every joyful song my soul sings.

 I Vow to give my feelings and instinct  the same authority i give my brain and heart, to honour its beauty and its truth and its sharpness because without my instinct and feelings i wouldn't have discovered a lot of things about myself and what goes on around me. that is why i pledge to give it a forefront in my life so that it may guide me when i am blinded by earthly things.

This promise I make to myself: To act courageously in expressing my truth, to myself and others.

I vow to embrace and celebrate my femininity. To be curious about its gifts. To explore feminine gentleness, creativity and intuition.  To love my woman body, it’s softness, its roughness, to identify its fullness, capabilities,strengths and weakness.   

I pledge to take myself out once a month: just me myself  and I, to create a space where i need No one to make me happy. to offer myself support and understanding.  

Lastly I Letlotlo Genemary Maloma, pledge to value myself whole heatedly in good times and in bad. to respect my body thoughts, needs, wants, dreams and desires. to Respect my Body and mind emotions and spirit. to insist upon Happiness fight for it strive for it.
To Lose balance for love because i am smart enough to know that its part of living a balanced life. to understanding that its a good thing to have a broken heart to heal it and to kiss it better because it is a good thing, it means i have tried for something. vowing to be selective of my thoughts the same way i change my clothing, that i may be able to tell the difference of Good and bad thoughts.

Yes I am a Princess and My Lord will forever Remain my King.

Learning to love the warrior in me.

Sending love peace joy kindness faithfulness all to myself, all because I am the Warrior of light :)

Journey with me because this is it, my truth my life.  

God is love. 

Letting Go!

 
The title is a lot simpler to write, but the process of letting go is painful, leaves me feeling defeated. its almost 4months and i am only finding my way now, when he had decides that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship, i thought he was angry and upset and he would come around, i stepped back and gave him time to be alone, three months later he HUGE stab, reality faced me, i saw him with another women my heart stopped for a sec, right there i knew he had moved on he told me to my face that they are just friends, funny the very morning when i saw him i asked God to give me a sign for me to move on and be at peace, But I'm still shocked at how God works, i know i asked and i received it was the hardest thing Ive ever had to come to terms with.

look i am not sure what to call it and what it did to me, but no pain killer in the world could help me, no amount of talking and telling me about God made it easy, i still play that day in my head, i saw red, felt like i was being provoked i have never fought for anything in my life Ive never laid hands on anyone in my life until the day when i saw the Love of my life walk away with another women. i don't know but the devil had a field day with me, i went crazy, i hit i bit i pushed i shouted and the pain still remained with me, it walk with me ever since, after the pain it turned into guilt and total shame, of how i acted. i needed someone to tell me about a drug to numb this pain, Suddenly, you can no longer cry the tears at night, Naturally, we get frustrated.  The frustration displays differently for everyone. As the days went by i still collected more shame and pain grew in my heart. found it almost hard to breath.

break ups are hard, the last time i felt this way was when i broke up with the father of my child, i had made a promise to myself that i would never allow a man to take me and break me, here i was again on the very same road of pain, confusion, betrayal, anger, bitterness, guilt, shattered dreams, frustration, disappointment resentment and deceit.

In that process i had to remember that all this pain and emotions had to come out, it was the clearest moment in my life even if i didn't see it at first, but those moments are meant to teach us what it is we hold back, these emotions are messengers that show us with terrifying clarity exactly where we are stuck

Survive Again 

I carried you with me everywhere i went, the memories came as though i was still happily in a relationship with you, it felt good at times to sit and remember the simple things we used to share, the way you used to call me Nana and how it warmed my heart i couldn't burn all those feelings away every time i tried it felt like i was killing the most precious gift of life

Then i realized that taking you everywhere with me was only hurting me and taking me 10 steps back, i needed to find a way to stop hanging on to the memories. infect i wanted to find a way to avoid feeling and hoping for something to be worked out between us,i wanted to hate you so that it was easier, but  instead i loved you even more, call me crazy!

But since then i had to set myself a goal to forget you, i just didn't know how, so i focused on the situation, because hate couldn't be directed to you i then directed my hate to the situation, I hated who it made me become. Weaker than I could ever imagine, more wounded than I knew possible. i want so much never to the person i am not i want to learn from it and move forward. but now how do i move forward, because  I exhale and breathe my regret on everyone I encounter. I pretend to not notice I’m scaring them away. I call the walls around my heart security.

Regardless of what the world thinks I’m not bitter. I’m safe. its like they can smell the venerability in me, Men lining up wanting to know me better i am not ready i tell them but they don't understand,there is so much pain inside of me 

I spoke to myself a lot then i came to an understanding that I carry you with me so I never have to taste the saltiness of those tears again. I never realized that I wasn’t really taking you anywhere, I was actually letting you hold me back. The walls I built to keep the pain away kept me from producing purpose. If I ever wanted to become better I would have to risk becoming bitter.

 I’d have to be willing to meet a new teacher and receive a new lesson. The lesson may come through struggle, but after the struggle comes strength. Every person in my life carries with them a lesson that will teach me  more about myself . Your resiliency will be tested, but don’t let it make you rigid. Those who want to grow understand the necessity and discomfort that comes with being stretched. Hell i am stretched even the emotion i am feeling typing this makes me wonder if ill ever be able to move on. everything feels so real.

Disasters happen in our lives so we can able discover the real person, Each disaster that threatened me  ripped me apart, but look it  didn’t succeed it only  stretched me . If you’re focused on the strain the pain brought, know that you’re ignoring the lesson that came with it too.

He sent me a text after he dropped off my clothing saying thank you for an educational two years, i promise you when i read it that day i felt nothing, but resentment, anger!

few weeks later i am calling you my teacher, you stretched my love. Thank you. Now I have more to give than before. You stretched my strength. I’m grateful. Today I’m stronger than before. You stretched my will now I’m more determined than I was.
You stretched me, but you didn’t tear me. I’m better because of this aching.
It felt like you were trying to break me, but you showed me that I’m capable of enduring. I want to take you with me. I want to carry you with me everywhere I go, but I can’t take you and grow. I’ll take my lessons and undeniable growth and head to the next level. I’m leaving you, my teacher, because I want to develop more than I want to remain safe.
And if I have to taste the salt of tears again, I’ll cry knowing that when the stream slows and finishes its dance from my eyes and down my cheeks, I survived once, and with God’s grace I’ll survive again.